I could sense last season that he felt like he could have done better. The reality was he did not really understand how to go about it.
In the last 18 months my son’s body has transformed from a boy to a well built 6”1’ adolescent. So it was no real surprise that he was struggling to adjust to his new found proportions.
When I suggested I could help him with some structured coaching, practice and fitness he was I sensed relieved.
As both our lives are busy we firstly worked out a time line and schedule leading up to his cricket trials that we could both commit to with a little give and take built in.
I documented a detailed commitment from us both which was also a first in our relationship. This took the form of a daily schedule as well as a favourite of mine a mind map incorporating specific tasks, opportunities and global goals.
I could see he appreciated the fact that I was willing to participate in the process rather than just telling him what to do or to outsource the process by sending him somewhere else.
We are now halfway throughout the programme which he has stuck to happily. He can see the sustained structured incremental approach working. What’s more we are both enjoying the benefits of this shared journey. It’s our special time together and has definitely drawn us closer.
The key has been to encourage and celebrate each achievement no matter how incrementally small. Any set backs are treated as positive learning opportunities not to be dwelled upon.
As part of the process we have been going to a local park to practice. The other weekend there was another father a son doing exactly the same thing just beside us.
The sad thing was the father did not know how to coach his son using a positive frame work. Every time the father communicated with his son it was by pointing out everything he was going wrong.
Not once did this father offer his son even the slightest encouragement. They both looked very serious and glum the whole time, neither ever smiled.
This father was clearly willing to put in the time and effort to genuinely help out his son. The sad fact was he did not know how to go about it in a positive light hearted manner.
My son also notice the constant negativity as later that day he commented on the lack of encouragement that this father was giving his son. I was impressed that he was aware of what was going on.
The sad reality is that this father thinks he is helping his son. All he is really doing is making his son feel inadequate and that he is not good enough in the eyes of the person who means the most to him. The chances are this father’s own father probably treated him in a similar way.
So what has to happen to break the cycle?
We all need awareness and reflection.
I had a great reality check two years ago while fishing with my son. While reeling in his first fish, I recorded the action on my camera. I then replayed it a few minutes later to myself to check the quality of my camera work.
I will freely admit what I heard replaying the action was a sobering and important moment.
The audio when replayed features your truly continuously barking strained instructions while my son fought the fish, no words of encouragement, just do this, not that, be careful etc, etc.
Let’s say I just shut up after that and let him learn for himself. I changed to offering praise or encouragement after subsequent catches but also letting him make mistakes so he can learn for himself without me trying to constantly save him.
The father and son I had observed in the park the other day was that just a earlier version of me? …… probably!
Reflection with awareness being the key to a successful change.